Gaming Session Transcript

• DM: As you head into the woods towards the fire, you come across two ogres. Everyone, roll for initiative.
• Fighter: 12
• Ranger: 16
• Wizard: 13
• Cleric: 6
• DM: Okay. Ogres go first. They both throw javelins at you, and... one hits you for 7 damage.
• Fighter: Guh!
• Ranger: Alright. I move in and attack.
• DM: You miss.
• Wizard: I cast Magic Missile.
• DM: You miss.
• Wizard: Fuck, WHAT?!
• Fighter: Uh, let's see... I'm going to fall back over this foothill.
• DM: As you reach the top of the hill you see two more ogres on the other side.
• Fighter: Do I catch them by surprise?
• DM: No. In fact, as soon as you see them, they scurry into cover and draw their javelins.
• Fighter: Good lord...
• Cleric: I double-move to try to get in healing range.
• DM: Alright, you're in range, but you'll need to wait until next turn to heal him. Meanwhile, it's the ogres' turn. These two both throw their javelins... one hits for 12, and one crits for... 26!
• Fighter: Uh... okay. I'm dead.
• Ranger: You're down?
• Fighter: No, I'm dead. That killed me outright.
• DM: Meanwhile, this one... crits you for 18.
• Wizard: What the fuck, David?
• DM: Hey, this is a level-appropriate encounter. That's how the dice rolled. It's not my fault the ogres are getting lucky. Make a Will Save.
• Ranger: ...Why?
• DM: Just do it.
• Ranger: 17.
• DM: You just barely failed. Make an attack roll against Rose.
• Ranger: What?!
• Wizard: What?!
• DM: The ogre panicked you when it attacked and you take a free action to attack the nearest target, which is Rose.
• Ranger: Goddammit, David. 29.
• DM: Does that hit?
• Wizard: You know damn well it does.
• DM: Roll damage.
• Ranger: For fucks' sake... 20.
• Wizard: Well, I'm down.
• Ranger: Is it my turn?
• DM: No, you're panicked this round. You can't take any actions.
• Ranger: You have got to be fucking kidding me.
• Fighter: Why are you doing this, David?
• DM: Hey, I'm just following the rules! I didn't make this game, I'm just going by the numbers. Richard, go.
• Cleric: Uhh... alright. I go back and try to get to healing range of Rose.
• DM: Alright. The other ogre uses its readied action to attack you if you move backwards.
• Cleric: ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!
• Ranger: Jesus, David. What is your problem?!
• DM: It hits you and deals 17 damage.
• Cleric: Okay, now I'm down, too. Goddammit.
• Fighter: I hate you so much, David.
• Wizard: Seriously, this is some real bullshit you're throwing at us.
• DM: Ogres' turn. All 4 of them move in towards you, and draw another javelin.
• Ranger: Fuck this, I'm running.
• DM: Alright. The ogres don't pursue, they coup de grâce the surviving party, and you're now alone in the woods.
• Ranger: Fine, whatever. I'm leaving.
• Wizard: Me too. You're terrible at this!
• DM: Hey man, this is what the game's about.
• Cleric: No! It's about trying to give us a challenge that we can overcome, not about trying to grind us into pulp!
• DM: Hey, you guys could have won! You just made some poor movement choices and got unlucky with the rolls! This is on you! This is what you wanted to play!
• Fighter: Fuck you, David! Just, FUCK YOU!

This has been a review of XCOM: Enemy Unknown. Available now for Xbox 360, PlayStation 3, and PC.